Cherry
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I'M BAAACCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 130
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Post by Cherry on Nov 22, 2010 17:57:07 GMT -5
I'm on a lion rpg and I want to improve this certain post. it begins a thread and for that reason it has to be good. I'm purposely not mentioning her name.
Original: A white lioness glided across the open savannah, her chest low to the ground. Her auds swiveled as she listened to the calls of the various animals. She froze as she scented the border to the lands. Lower herself even more, the lioness flicked her auds forward. She could hear zebras ahead. Slinking across the border, the lioness headed towards the herd. Each paw stepped silently in front of the other as she crept through the savannah grass till she saw the herd. Her emerald eyes searched the herd for a weak one. She licked her maw as she thought of the meal one of the zebras would make. Singling out an older zebra with a lame foot, The white lioness prepared to spring from her hidding place.
Revised: A white lioness glided across the open savannah, her chest low to the ground and the dry grass bending gently below her. Her auds swiveled as she heard the various animals. Gazing around she saw very few trees. A few bare ones could be seen on the horizon. She froze as she smelled the border to the lands. Lowering herself even more, the female flicked her auds forward. She could hear zebras ahead. Slinking across the border, she headed towards the herd. Each paw stepped silently in front of the other as she crept through the savannah grass till the herd could be seen. Her emerald eyes searched the herd for a weak one. She licked her maw as she thought of the meal one of the zebras would make. Singling out an older zebra with a lame foot, the pearly lioness prepared to spring from her hiding place.
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Post by Grim Rod on Nov 22, 2010 18:11:29 GMT -5
There's a couple of places where you might want to use different words to avoid repetition. I'm not sure if scented makes sense in that context, but I may be wrong. Maybe a couple more descriptive words for the environment. You know, dry grass, lone tree, etc. I will say that apart from that it seems pretty good to me.
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Cherry
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I'M BAAACCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 130
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Post by Cherry on Nov 22, 2010 18:51:40 GMT -5
Thx Grim. Any other comments?
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Post by Firefly on Nov 22, 2010 22:03:47 GMT -5
Hm... I'm actually an almost-senior member on a semi-literate (by the great Canadian, Eagleh's, standards) rp based on Erin Hunter's Warrior cat series, so cats is familiar territory for me. This is actually a fairly good post in my eyes, if you want I can get expert opinions from Snakey, Wolfkitten, and Eagleh (if she ever comes online again), or, possibly, head admin Silver. But for now, I'm alls ya gots. So, I'm going to show you how I would edit the second version of your post there, and then possibly give a couple of tips, ok? A white lioness glided across the open savanna, her chest low to the ground, the dry grass bending gently below her and tickling her fur. Her sensitive ears swiveled as she heard and focused upon various animal noises, listening carefully for her prey. Turning her gaze to the area around her, she saw very few trees, not abnormal for the area. A few bare trees could be seen on the horizon here and there. She froze, though, as she scented the border to the edge of the taller grass, the border of her safe zone. Lowering herself even more into the long, soft grass, the female flicked her large ears forward. She could hear a small herd of zebras ahead of her. Slinking across the border, she headed towards the herd. Her paws padded silently, one in front of the other, as she crept through the savanna grass. Soon, the herd could be seen across the field. Her emerald eyes searched the herd for a weaker target, easier for her to catch. She licked her maw as she thought of the meal one of the zebras would make for her and her pride. She singled out a single zebra, one with a lame foot, and the pearly lioness prepared to spring from her hiding place, and prepared to take down her unsuspecting prey. Ok, I could do a bit more with it, but I think you get the point. "Auds" is not something a lot of people would get first off, and you're better off just saying ears. I remember once I had an exercise where I have to come up with five different names for each part of the face, and, let me tell you, that was NOT fun. But anyway, I'd try to switch terminology with that which is easier to understand, but use more adjectives and description. Make it easy to read, but put as much detail as you can. It also helps to do your research - for example, you have it right that the lioness usually does the hunting, but the lioness' of a pride will usually hunt together, and the dominant male always eats first. Also - was the lion upwind from the zebra herd, or downwind? Downwind is desired for a good hunt, because it carries the lions' scent AWAY from the herd. Also, 'border to the lands' could mean a lot of different things. I made a guess when I said that it was the border to the tall-grass area, but it also could have been the border of her territory, the border of a certain zebra herd's territory, the border of the recently patrolled area, or a number of different things. All in all, it's a good post. Just try to use more explanation and research in the post. I also don't know the back-story, therefore some of the things I marked as needing work could be perfectly accurate. This is my take though. With a bit more information, that post can turn into a small story!
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Cherry
Minibot
I'M BAAACCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 130
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Post by Cherry on Nov 23, 2010 13:20:39 GMT -5
ok, lets try again.
A white lioness glided across the open savanna, her chest low to the ground, the dry grass bending gently below her and tickling her fur. Her sensitive ears swiveled as she heard and focused upon various animal noises, listening carefully for her prey. Turning her gaze to the area around her, she saw very few trees, not abnormal for the area. A few bare trees could be seen on the horizon here and there.
She froze, though, as she scented the border to a different lions prideland, the border of her safe zone. Lowering herself even more into the long, soft grass, the female flicked her large ears forward. She could hear a small herd of zebras ahead of her. Slinking across the border, she headed towards the herd.
Her paws padded silently, one in front of the other, as she crept through the savanna grass. Soon, the herd could be seen across the field. Remaining downwind from the herd, her emerald eyes searched the group for a weaker target, easier for her to catch. She licked her maw as she thought of the meal one of the zebras would make for her. She singled out a single zebra, one with a lame foot, and the pearly lioness prepared to spring from her hiding place, and prepared to take down her unsuspecting prey.
The lioness doesn't have a pride, so the zebra's for her.
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Post by Firefly on Nov 23, 2010 21:19:51 GMT -5
Just one more note - upwind means they can smell her. Sooooo they'd be running. But other than that, it looks great.
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Cherry
Minibot
I'M BAAACCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 130
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Post by Cherry on Nov 24, 2010 17:55:28 GMT -5
I fixed it!
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Post by Firefly on Nov 24, 2010 19:08:19 GMT -5
Awesome. So, to be absolutely honest, I can still see ways the post can improve, but this is an above average post and should be fine. Much better than this and I'll have to give you a full lesson, and that takes too long.
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Post by Precious on Jul 26, 2021 8:26:57 GMT -5
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